Recently my pastor asked me if I would share the story of my salvation for a church service in May. I am always happy to do this. As I have been thinking about what I will say, I realized that I have never shared this story on my own blog, so I guess it’s about time that I do! This will give me a chance to tell you all about my wonderful Savior as well as give me the chance to organize my thoughts.
I grew up knowing about God. My family attended a Bible-believing church almost every Sunday from the time that I was a baby all through my childhood. I have many happy memories of Sunday School, Awana, and many other Christian activities. I heard the Gospel regularly, and could repeat the story of Jesus Christ’s birth, life, death, and resurrection. I began playing the piano for morning services before I was in the 5th grade, and when I became a teenager, I even taught Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, etc.
So, I guess to the outside world I would have appeared to have been a “good, Christian” girl. I remember many times that I wondered about God and my eternal destiny. In fact, I often laid awake on my bed at night worrying about what would happen to me if I would die. I really did know the Gospel–I can’t explain why I never believed except that as I was spiritually blind.
By the time I was a young teenager, my life began to change. I was a good student and obedient in public, but inwardly I began to have a lot of rebellion and darkness in my heart. This came out at home, and I found myself getting into a lot of trouble with my family. I led quite the double life: good to the outside world, and dark on my inside world.
I sank into a depressed, self-destructive lifestyle that I cannot even understand or explain. All I can say is that I caused so many people heartache and frustration. I look back on those years with such sadness and regret. God was good even in those times, though. He placed people around me that tried to lead me to His salvation. I had a counselor who spent innumerable hours working with me for no personal gain. Even though she worked for the public school, she often talked to me about my relationship with God. At this time I considered myself a “Christian,” though, and did not take too seriously the things that she said. After all, I taught Sunday School, didn’t I?!
My rebellion continued throughout high school. During that time, an evangelist came to our church that really had a heart for me. He shared the Gospel with me even though I had heard it hundreds of times. He explained to me that I could receive forgiveness for my sins if I would just believe in Jesus’ payment for sin and trust Him for my salvation. I was so confused in those days that I told him that I did not even understand what “faith” meant. I went on to describe my fears and insecurities about my relationship with God. He pointed out to me 1 John 5:13 which says “These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may KNOW that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God.” I did not need to fear the future, because if I believed in Jesus, I could rest KNOWING that I have eternal life. Unfortunately, my heart was so confused and darkened by this time, that nothing he said made any sense to me, nor did it cause any difference in my life.
I graduated from high school still leading a double life: “Christian” on the outside, and rebellious on the inside. Although my darkness was known by a few outside of my family, most people just saw me as an introverted, studious person who didn’t relate well with people. I went to a well-known Christian college. It was there that I really began to question my salvation. I saw a love for God in those around me that I simply did not have. They had joy; I did not. Again, I was exposed to the True Gospel almost on a daily basis, but it meant nothing to me. I concluded that my problem was that I had never been baptized, so when I was back at home on vacation, I gave a “testimony of salvation” and was baptized by my local pastor. Guess what? My life did not change. That baptism did nothing. Some of my darkest, most self-destructive days were the ones I spent at that Christian college. I graduated with a 4.0 gpa–the absolute top of my class–but my soul was lost.
That pretty much summarizes what my early days were like. I will continue my story in a future post that I will entitle “My Story, Part 2: The Change Comes.” It is truly miraculous. My Savior is so good, and I can’t wait to tell you about His merciful grace in my life!
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